


secondhand amnesia

by orphan_account



Series: Inexorable [6]
Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Bittersweet Ending, Character Death, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, M/M, Post-Loss, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-09
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-11-14 11:09:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18051383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: They both live in different worlds now. Maybe it'll be better off to pretend as if they weren't a part of the same time, of the same place, and of the same memories.





	secondhand amnesia

For the past seven years, there's a blank space somewhere in the middle of his heart that while it bothers him and sits uncomfortably, he still does not give in to the need of filling it up. Because filling that space in his heart would mean bringing back the memories that were buried with every tick of the clock. Filling that space would mean grabbing old photographs out of boxes, unfolding worn out clothes from the very back of his dresser, and even, saying a certain name again. All those things -- Eiji Okumura refuses to do. No. Most of his heart is brought back now by relief and acceptance so why even bother tearing it apart again? Why would you waste time filling up something just to let everything fall apart again? In these rough times, he has lived purely through forgetting.

So, those things that would set a trigger of the past -- it stays out of sight. It's like nothing ever happened. Nothing at all. Like no summer days of swimming in the river with their shirts on and laughing like they weren't on the run; like the days of comfort, pain, and love never existed in the first place. None. Eiji swept them under the rug somehow and they now reside at the back of his mind like secondhand amnesia. He does not dwell in the past because it shows how unhappy he is right now and he can't move on with that fact in mind.

Nevertheless, Eiji remains as the same Eiji he once was -- though, a little different on the edges. He still finds a reason to smile and he laughs wholeheartedly like a person who's happy. Like a person who did not lost the love of his life seven (almost eight) years ago. He still rises from his slumber early and tend to his house, work for a couple of hours, cooks for himself and just.. sit and stare at the ceiling until he falls asleep. But he never stays like that for long and he has kept a list of hobbies with him for so long now, knowing that too much free time would inevitably lead to memories and the only memories that would crawl out from the deep depths of the well are bad ones; those that would shred your heart until you feel numb and hot tears form again. Those memories that would absolutely destroy what he has been keeping balance all this time.

On the least productive days, he goes out. He meets people and shakes hands left and right; trying to not look for peridot eyes in the crowd. He smiles just like he usually does and attempt not to compare those new smiles to Ash's -- trying not to figure out what was wrong with now and how come he hasn't completely recovered from the past. Yes, he keeps a list of different names on his contacts now, attempting not to look for his name in the first section and thinking of how to start a conversation that wouldn't lead to a dead end. Eiji thinks and thinks but he fails every time. Maybe it's because he just isn't in the mood to form a bond with a person for a change. Or maybe the only thing he wanted in the world has now slipped past his fingertips and he can't get him back through the eyes, the smiles, and the messages of different silhouettes.

Maybe it's both -- he isn't sure anymore.

Eiji crosses out three days out of his calendar on the same day. It's just another day. He always discards the saying of another day is a gift and a miracle, and settles that another day is just, well, a day. Instead of letting the day linger a little longer in him, he treats them as just a part of a year. Now, he likes looking forward to years. He treats every year like a special milestone. Like every year is a goal to accomplish. The him now that is filled with regrets and bad memories grips onto years like a lifeline. Because with a passing of three hundred and sixty five days, the less he tends to remember and the more time he has to form new memories. He keeps waiting and hoping; maybe this year, _I'll be able to convince myself that nothing really happened._ Maybe, somehow, he'll be able to push all memories in the back of his mind and completely throw them out.

He doesn't even know why everything has come to this. Why everything seems to fall apart while in the same time, his heart remains intact. Maybe it's acceptance or maybe it's still regret and denial. Maybe somewhere deep down there, he still is hoping that Ash would somehow return. Maybe that explains why he looks forward to tomorrow -- because tomorrow brings new chances to Ash's return and for him, Ash's return is never too late.

On the other side of things, maybe it's acceptance in a different way. Maybe the blank space in his heart is the spot he made for Ash and him deciding not to fill it anymore is just how it is.. He accepted it that Ash is gone; hell never return. He'll never come back. Acceptance isn't all about just living with a certain fact, it can be accepting to forget everything as well. “I'll stay with you forever.” is just so easy to say but damn it, Eiji is human as well and if staying by a person's side forever would mean to bring only pain and misery, then he'd rather forget.

Though, on some days, it all bothers him. When the seasons change, a certain smell would disrupt him from his evening routine and the lack of sounds will just make the ringing in his mind louder until everything breaks free. The memories he has pushed all the way to the back of his brain would find their way to flash before his eyes and his eyes would start to cry without his permission. Caught off guard by the trigger of the first waft of summer, he will stare and just remember all of a sudden.

When the seasons change, he remembers. It's as if Ash is calling him back to those times they had. Those wonderful days he now regrets he had. The smell of early summer us like Ash's wake-up call to Eiji; to let him remember a time in which they laughed without knowing the pain of those laughter. He calls out from the void along with the irreplaceable memories and their figures finding each other in the beaches of Cape Cod or in the library of Manhattan. Eiji realizes once again that he is still stuck in those times he can't return to and just let's his heart break free to indulge in smoldered feelings from different worlds.

Then, he cries. It's the only thing he can do anyway.

In the times in which summer calls out to him in the way Ash does, he brings out old photographs and smiles lovingly, letting his empty, healed heart crumble again into pieces effortlessly. He grabs old white tees from the back of his closet and buries his nose to it, indulging in what is left of those good times they had. In those faithful, silent summer nights, he remembers just why he promised forever and only regrets why he did not keep it.

As Eiji tracks Ash down in every corner of Manhattan for another sunny day with his camera and nothing but reminiscence of everything Ash did or say, he considers himself a traitor to his way of living. But whatever. Sometimes, you need to forget in order to survive and move on but it only takes a single day just to throw it all away and just remember how it is to live as yourself. The self that is full of pain -- not masking out the hurt -- but still enjoys to be here. The self that is not surviving, but, living.

**Author's Note:**

> Helloooo~
> 
> This probably sucked but whatever, I just needed a stepping stone to get back to writing that's all. So... Yeah, haven't been writing since Oct '18 and I need a fresh start but maybe writing this whole thing in an hour was a terrible idea? Dunno.


End file.
